How to Encourage Self-Love in Children While Managing Our Own Negative Self-Talk

As parents, especially mothers, we want our children to feel confident and loved. We want them to believe in themselves and know that we support them no matter what. Yet, when a child says, “I’m not good at this,” or “I can’t do that,” it can be painful to hear. We try to encourage them with positive words like, “You can do this,” or “God is with you.” But what happens when we struggle with those same negative thoughts about ourselves? How can we help our children love themselves when we sometimes doubt our own worth?

Recently, while listening to Alicia Britt Chole’s book The Sacred Slow, I realized how deeply God feels about us as His children. This insight helped me understand the importance of managing my own negative self-talk to better support my children’s self-love. This post explores how parents can encourage self-love in their children while handling their own inner struggles.

Understanding Negative Self-Talk in Parents and Children

Negative self-talk often sneaks in quietly but can have a powerful impact on both children and adults. For children, hearing themselves say things like “I’m not good enough” or “I can’t do this” can shape their self-image in harmful ways. For parents, especially mothers, hormonal changes and emotional ups and downs in our late twenties and thirties can amplify these negative thoughts.

How Hormones Affect Our Mood and Thoughts

Hormones influence mood swings, irritability, and feelings of guilt or failure. During these times, it’s easy to fall into patterns of self-criticism without realizing it. For example, a mother might think, “I’m not a good mom,” or “I’m failing,” which can lower her confidence and energy.

This cycle affects how we interact with our children. If we are struggling with our own self-doubt, it becomes harder to consistently encourage and uplift them. Recognizing this connection is the first step toward breaking the cycle.

How God’s Perspective Can Change Our Self-Talk

When children speak negatively about themselves, we want to correct them immediately. We want to remind them of their strengths and potential. But how often do we do the same for ourselves?

Thinking about how God feels when we speak negatively about ourselves can be a powerful reminder. Just as we feel hurt when our children tear themselves down, God feels pain when we do the same. When we say, “I can’t do this,” or “I’m not enough,” we are ignoring the truth that God created us in His image and believes in our worth.

This realization can help us shift our mindset. Instead of joining the negative chorus inside our heads, we can choose to speak truth and kindness over ourselves, just as we do for our children.

Practical Ways to Encourage Self-Love in Children

Helping children develop self-love takes patience and intentionality. Here are some practical steps parents can take:

1. Use Positive and Specific Praise

Instead of generic praise like “Good job,” try to be specific about what your child did well. For example:

• “You worked really hard on that drawing, and I love the colors you chose.”

• “You kept trying even when it was hard, and that shows great courage.”

  
  

Specific praise helps children understand their strengths and builds confidence.

2. Model Positive Self-Talk

Children learn by watching us. When you catch yourself thinking or saying something negative, pause and reframe it out loud. For example:

• Instead of “I can’t do this,” say “This is hard, but I’m going to keep trying.”

• Instead of “I’m not good enough,” say “I’m learning and growing every day.”

  
  

This shows children how to handle their own negative thoughts with kindness.

3. Create a Safe Space for Feelings

Encourage your children to express their feelings without judgment. When they say, “I’m scared” or “I’m not good at this,” listen carefully and validate their emotions. You might say:

• “It’s okay to feel scared. Everyone feels that way sometimes.”

• “I believe in you, and I’m here to help you learn.”

  
  

This helps children feel supported and understood.

4. Teach Them to Challenge Negative Thoughts

Help children recognize when they are thinking negatively and guide them to challenge those thoughts. You can ask:

• “Is that really true?”

• “What would you say to a friend who felt this way?”

  
  

This encourages critical thinking and builds resilience.

Managing Our Own Negative Self-Talk as Parents

Supporting our children starts with supporting ourselves. Here are some ways to manage negative self-talk:

1. Recognize and Name Negative Thoughts

Awareness is key. When you notice a negative thought, name it. For example, say to yourself, “That’s a self-critical thought.” Naming it helps create distance and reduces its power.

2. Replace Negative Thoughts with Truth

Use affirmations or truths that resonate with you. For example:

• “I am enough.”

• “I am doing my best, and that is enough.”

• “I am loved and valued.”

  
  

Repeat these regularly, especially when negative thoughts arise.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat yourself with the same kindness you offer your children. When you make a mistake or feel overwhelmed, remind yourself that everyone struggles and that you are worthy of love and patience.

4. Seek Support When Needed

Sometimes negative self-talk can be overwhelming. Talking to a trusted friend, counselor, or spiritual advisor can provide perspective and encouragement.

Building a Family Culture of Self-Love

Creating an environment where everyone feels valued and loved strengthens self-esteem for both children and parents. Consider these family practices:

• Daily affirmations: Share positive statements about each family member.

• Gratitude sharing: Take time to express what you appreciate about each other.

• Celebrate efforts: Focus on progress and effort rather than just outcomes.

• Encourage open communication: Make it safe to talk about feelings and challenges.

  
  

These habits build a foundation of trust and confidence.

Final Thoughts

Encouraging self-love in children while managing our own negative self-talk is a journey that requires patience and grace. When we understand how deeply God values us, it becomes easier to speak kindly to ourselves and our children. By modeling positive self-talk, validating feelings, and creating a supportive environment, we help our children grow into confident, loving individuals.